Hello! Are you a Friend, Donor, Or Potentially Prejudiced?

Just when I'm enjoying my food...

 So this past Saturday morning, my wife, daughter and I ventured to Hy-Vee (a local supermarket) to enjoy breakfast together.  I have to say, I LOVE HY-VEE breakfast.  Lots of food for little price (they didn't even pay me to say that)! As we were enjoying our little family time, a elderly white man came up to me and look at me with a stunned and awed expression.  He said, "Did I coach you when you were in High School?"

Seems innocent enough right?  Simple question, simple answer.  However as he started to explain himself, I've observed the evidence he used to connect me to his memory.  He said that my "build" was the same as that guy...interesting.  I also noticed that he didn't have any other neutral descriptors to describe my uncanny similarity to this guy.  He thought my age to be around the mid-20's (I guess that's a compliment).  He finds out that I am NOT the guy he thought I was.  My wife then invites him to sit with us, and he declines.  He says, "my wife is over there and we'll be leaving soon."  Funny, he was still there when WE left...

My wife and I reflected on this a bit, she says, "Well, maybe that could've been a donor for the ministry?"  She's right you know.  This could have been a great moment where a random guy who thinks I'm some other black guy could begin to care about ministry to college students. I 100% raise all the money I use for  ministry and for my family to live off of.   This is the way I think about things ALL THE TIME!  The problem is, IT'S EXHAUSTING!

TELL THE TRUTH SISTA!

I'm always looking at people (mainly the majority white culture) where I live and I ask myself, "Are you a friend? Could you have a heart to support ministry to college students? Are you potentially harboring negative attitudes towards blacks, or all of the above?" How can I be asked to figure this out all the time?  I wouldn't be surprised if friends of mine were to say, "Tony, just treat everybody like they're not prejudice.  Be positive!"  What they or you might not know, is that I did this before.  When I was a freshman coming to the University of Iowa, I knew instantly that I was going to be one of the few who look like me and came from a similar socioeconomic background.  I didn't want to be seen as "the angry black guy." I wanted to assume the best about everyone around me. So I came to the university saying, "Don't worry everyone, I'm just Tony, don't worry about race stuff with me!"

"WE HERE TOO!  It's O-V-E-R!"

I lived in temporary housing with nine other guys and with this posture I was able to befriend most of those guys.  Seemed like a pretty sweet circumstance, right?  Not even close.  The days after I made this declaration, things started to change for the worse.  I remember playing a hockey video game and it was 2 on 2.  I was partnered with a guy who happened to be Jewish and the other folks were from some suburb in Illinois.  I remember them declaring the game, "Minorities vs Majorities." What did you just say?  Never mind.  As my Jewish friend and I began to win in this game, the other guys got upset.  Normally this was the case whenever pre-adults play games, but this one had racial tones to it.  "How could they win?  I bet neither of them had ever played hockey in real life. We know hockey better than them."  The "them" was very striking to our ears...

It all came to a head when an African American female friend of mine came to visit me.  She was the only other person from my community who came to Iowa.  She says hello to everyone in my room, everyone responds, but this one guy, "Abe."  She goes, "excuse me, HELLO!"  "Abe" goes, "yeah, hi."  It seemed uneventful, and my friend can be sassy, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.  Once she left, right in front me, he goes, "B#TCH!"  That was it for me.  I grabbed him and threw him across the table and said to him, "If you ever call my friend that again, I'll punch you in the f#ckin' face!"  

In retaliation, "Abe" says, "Well, THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE IN COLLEGE IS BECAUSE YOU'RE BLACK!"

"Wait! What?"  

And Yet opinions still HURT, D@mn...

What does THAT have to do with our argument?  How could he know that a statement like this could even hurt me? Is this what happens for other white folks when they're enraged enough?  In that instance, it clicked for me.  I didn't free my circumstances of racial issues, I personally exasperated the environment by giving others the authority to define me.  "Race doesn't bother me" I said, "Just treat me as Tony" I communicated.  In reality they're response was, "It doesn't bother you huh?  Cool, let me say the most prejudice things I can imagine."  They had so much freedom to say whatever that even this guy involuntarily blurted it out in the middle of a heated exchange.  

After this exchange, my roommates began to make my life a living hell.  When they stuffed all of my belongings and college textbooks into a garbage can and put it in front of my bed, I knew then I was building this whole thing the wrong way... The person who understands me the best outside of Jesus is ME!  M-E! I set the standard of how I want to be treated, not those around me. I've allowed this situation happen to me time and time again.  You probably know I'm talking about!  I've allowed others to define because I don't want to be offensive or critical or misunderstanding, but isn't it FREAKIN HUMAN to misunderstand, to sometimes be critical or even offensive?  

I wasn't making a humane step towards racial reconciliation, I was devaluing my own humanity. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, ethnicity, personality, body and all!  I LIKE ME! We each deserve to be fearfully and wonderfully appreciated for who we are,  and not have to mute our ethnic, cultural, and socioeconomic identity.  We are the spice to our world, and I was choosing to water my flavor down...

So, the elderly man goes back to his table, and I'm wondering to myself, "How eugenic was that of him!"  In that short 5 minute exchange and 10 minutes of reflection with my wife, I was tired and I took a nap when I got home.