Exhaling Narratives...

There's not a lot of pictures of Black men breathing on the Web as calm as this!

It's good to exhale...You breathe in, hold your breath, then breathe out.  You whole body responds to the fact that what you've taken in, finally comes out.  Our bodies are not made to keep things in.  What comes in, goes through our system, then eventually comes out.  We are told that breathing is something we can't really control, but in some ways we can.  We can control the length of time we hold our breath to a limit, then we have no choice but to let it out...

As a Black man in Iowa City, who has lived here on and off since 2000,  I've had to inhale many experiences, with no exhaling.  Somebody follows me in a Walgreens when I'm wearing dickies and a dark blue sweat shirt, making sure that I don't steal anything; I breathe in and hold it.  With my sociological mind, I decide to change my clothes the next day and dress up in "Iowa Wear;" khakis and a t-shirt supporting some random gas station, pat my Afro down and go to the same place to notice 2 things, 1.) I don't get followed in the same store and 2.) None of my black friends talk to me...I breathe in and hold it.

Every compliment for being articulate, I breathe in and hold it.  Every time I'm assumed to be another Black person, I breathe in and hold it.  Every time I'm asked to be a Black Encyclopedia, I breathe in and hold it.  Eventually, I have to exhale.  I have to let it out, unless I'm want to become emotionally and culturally asphyxiated, then I'm no good to anyone. Believe me, I'm getting blue in the face.

"HELP ME! Be my Heimlich's!"

You understand right?  We all have to breathe sometimes, no matter what the consequences are.  Maybe people won't respect us anymore, maybe there are those around us who will begin to fear us.  My question is, if I was really struggling to breathe physically, who in my community would just watch it? Most likely, someone would perform the Heimlich maneuver on me.  This is no different. In fact, I'm grateful for your responses and willingness to read and be willing to allow me to exhale narratives. You're my Heimlich's!

That's what this whole experience is for me on this blog.  If you had the question, "What inspired you to start blogging?"  It's because I need to exhale, to breathe.  I feel like God has given me a deeper call to stay in the fray here in Iowa City.  I love my city, but I've felt the stretch and damage of being in a place that's not the most open...they might believe themselves to be forward thinking and evolved, but I like to call my city "Progressively Backwards."  Hmm...I'll write a blog about this...interested in hearing about it?

I'm also noticing from folk I know who have read this blog that my story of being a Black Man in a White World can be applied to others as well.  I welcome you to imagine, but I would caution you about putting yourself in my shoes, that may prove itself to be difficult and counter to the purpose of this...experience.  Look at things and she how they apply to you, but what I'd want to do first is fully absorb the narratives.  Let your empathy grow, ask clarifying questions to yourself and even to me!  After you feel like have understood the current narrative you're reading as much as you can, then began applying it.  Breathing is a lifelong process, slow your breath, focus on your breathing, allow yourself to hear the heartbeats then breathe out.

P.S. I don't know how often I will continue to post up.  Right now, I'm doing it as I feel the urge, and I have a lot of urges right now.  I'm exhaling and loving it.  Potentially, I might blog like weekly, or I might feel the need to not do it anymore (I don't expect this).  Let me know what you think.  Are you interested in posts that come:

A. Weekly, or
B. As The Urge Comes?

Reply back and let me know.
Breathing...

Hello! Are you a Friend, Donor, Or Potentially Prejudiced?

Just when I'm enjoying my food...

 So this past Saturday morning, my wife, daughter and I ventured to Hy-Vee (a local supermarket) to enjoy breakfast together.  I have to say, I LOVE HY-VEE breakfast.  Lots of food for little price (they didn't even pay me to say that)! As we were enjoying our little family time, a elderly white man came up to me and look at me with a stunned and awed expression.  He said, "Did I coach you when you were in High School?"

Seems innocent enough right?  Simple question, simple answer.  However as he started to explain himself, I've observed the evidence he used to connect me to his memory.  He said that my "build" was the same as that guy...interesting.  I also noticed that he didn't have any other neutral descriptors to describe my uncanny similarity to this guy.  He thought my age to be around the mid-20's (I guess that's a compliment).  He finds out that I am NOT the guy he thought I was.  My wife then invites him to sit with us, and he declines.  He says, "my wife is over there and we'll be leaving soon."  Funny, he was still there when WE left...

My wife and I reflected on this a bit, she says, "Well, maybe that could've been a donor for the ministry?"  She's right you know.  This could have been a great moment where a random guy who thinks I'm some other black guy could begin to care about ministry to college students. I 100% raise all the money I use for  ministry and for my family to live off of.   This is the way I think about things ALL THE TIME!  The problem is, IT'S EXHAUSTING!

TELL THE TRUTH SISTA!

I'm always looking at people (mainly the majority white culture) where I live and I ask myself, "Are you a friend? Could you have a heart to support ministry to college students? Are you potentially harboring negative attitudes towards blacks, or all of the above?" How can I be asked to figure this out all the time?  I wouldn't be surprised if friends of mine were to say, "Tony, just treat everybody like they're not prejudice.  Be positive!"  What they or you might not know, is that I did this before.  When I was a freshman coming to the University of Iowa, I knew instantly that I was going to be one of the few who look like me and came from a similar socioeconomic background.  I didn't want to be seen as "the angry black guy." I wanted to assume the best about everyone around me. So I came to the university saying, "Don't worry everyone, I'm just Tony, don't worry about race stuff with me!"

"WE HERE TOO!  It's O-V-E-R!"

I lived in temporary housing with nine other guys and with this posture I was able to befriend most of those guys.  Seemed like a pretty sweet circumstance, right?  Not even close.  The days after I made this declaration, things started to change for the worse.  I remember playing a hockey video game and it was 2 on 2.  I was partnered with a guy who happened to be Jewish and the other folks were from some suburb in Illinois.  I remember them declaring the game, "Minorities vs Majorities." What did you just say?  Never mind.  As my Jewish friend and I began to win in this game, the other guys got upset.  Normally this was the case whenever pre-adults play games, but this one had racial tones to it.  "How could they win?  I bet neither of them had ever played hockey in real life. We know hockey better than them."  The "them" was very striking to our ears...

It all came to a head when an African American female friend of mine came to visit me.  She was the only other person from my community who came to Iowa.  She says hello to everyone in my room, everyone responds, but this one guy, "Abe."  She goes, "excuse me, HELLO!"  "Abe" goes, "yeah, hi."  It seemed uneventful, and my friend can be sassy, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.  Once she left, right in front me, he goes, "B#TCH!"  That was it for me.  I grabbed him and threw him across the table and said to him, "If you ever call my friend that again, I'll punch you in the f#ckin' face!"  

In retaliation, "Abe" says, "Well, THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE IN COLLEGE IS BECAUSE YOU'RE BLACK!"

"Wait! What?"  

And Yet opinions still HURT, D@mn...

What does THAT have to do with our argument?  How could he know that a statement like this could even hurt me? Is this what happens for other white folks when they're enraged enough?  In that instance, it clicked for me.  I didn't free my circumstances of racial issues, I personally exasperated the environment by giving others the authority to define me.  "Race doesn't bother me" I said, "Just treat me as Tony" I communicated.  In reality they're response was, "It doesn't bother you huh?  Cool, let me say the most prejudice things I can imagine."  They had so much freedom to say whatever that even this guy involuntarily blurted it out in the middle of a heated exchange.  

After this exchange, my roommates began to make my life a living hell.  When they stuffed all of my belongings and college textbooks into a garbage can and put it in front of my bed, I knew then I was building this whole thing the wrong way... The person who understands me the best outside of Jesus is ME!  M-E! I set the standard of how I want to be treated, not those around me. I've allowed this situation happen to me time and time again.  You probably know I'm talking about!  I've allowed others to define because I don't want to be offensive or critical or misunderstanding, but isn't it FREAKIN HUMAN to misunderstand, to sometimes be critical or even offensive?  

I wasn't making a humane step towards racial reconciliation, I was devaluing my own humanity. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, ethnicity, personality, body and all!  I LIKE ME! We each deserve to be fearfully and wonderfully appreciated for who we are,  and not have to mute our ethnic, cultural, and socioeconomic identity.  We are the spice to our world, and I was choosing to water my flavor down...

So, the elderly man goes back to his table, and I'm wondering to myself, "How eugenic was that of him!"  In that short 5 minute exchange and 10 minutes of reflection with my wife, I was tired and I took a nap when I got home.

Where the HELL are all the black people?

Do you see where the black people are located? How many? I count seven...

I have not lived on the South Side of Chicago since I was 18 years old.  Up until then, I've only truly known the black experience and what it meant to be black living in a poor neighborhood.  It was, "We all had nothing don't complain about it." I respected that line of thought and look out my windows to see the Chicago Skyline and wonder to myself, "What is it like to live there?" "What are the people like when they're not from around here?" 

Now that I live on the other side, I usually start out with a  "Oh Lord!" and a "Help Me Jesus!" Then I'd ask, "what in the world was I thinking?" Don't get me wrong! I love where I live right now, In Iowa City, IA.  There's a lot of friends and relationships I've been able to build since being in this city.  However, there are days where I'm just sitting in church, or sitting at a coffee shop, or just people watching, and I say to myself, "WHERE IN THE HELL ARE ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE!" 

Cultural Isolation can feel like prison!

I've gotten down on myself. I got depressed. I would isolate myself from people and family.  I'd look like I was in prison with no hope for parole!  Sometimes it really feels like prison.  But you see, I'm a man of faith, a man who is trying to follow God while in a foreign land, and sometimes you get homesick.  A LOT OF THE TIME you get homesick!  But where is home?  Is Iowa City home for me now? How do I accept this?  Will I be rejected by others because I don't fit in either place anymore? 

So, I thought to myself and said, "self?" and myself said, "huh?" "What if we allowed ourself to not despair or cut ourselves away from people and just took time to get it all out?"  I said to self, "What a great idea!"  So that's what I'm doing, I've created this blog, "Black Man/White World" to be a place for me to share my expressions, observations, frustrations, pain, and joys about the life I'm leading in a seemingly foreign place.  I'm blogging to you to allow you to see if only but a glimpse of what life is like for me from the inside.  

Maybe it will lead you to greater empathy...maybe you'll feel confirmed in your assumptions..maybe you'll feel challenged...either way, I'm not that worried about you (no offense), you're strong and you can make it.  This is me communicating me, you can take it or leave it, shout at me, reply back, high-five me, just know that when you communicate, know that you're only getting a small picture, never the whole slice, you're limited, and most people can learn and understand more when they accept those limitations.

I'll be blunt, I may share a few "words" about things.  I may not always communicate the clearest, I may say, "h#ll" or "sh!t" or "d@mn" a few times here or there.  I may also surprise you by my ability to articulate deep feelings and emotions, or you may get bored and not read it again.  

High Cheek Bones!

Here's my response to that (Tony smiles).  

Notice how high my cheek bones get when I think about trying to please you and only you...  Its my response in saying, "Good for you! I'm going to keep moving, and you are too."  So here's to a journey we might 

both be taking together, may God guide us, help us to laugh at ourselves, help us to grieve the hard things, helps us to be challenged appropriately, and help us to remember and grow and endure! 

May we both survive it!